A woman emailed me: “We have been married for six years and have had a satisfying and happy sex life. I have never refused to do anything sexual my husband has asked me to do. We often make love in the living-room, and I get very stimulated watching us doing it in front of a mirror. We’ve even made love in the bath. So, you see, I’m not really prudish, but now I think I’ve got to draw the line.
“On one or two occasions recently my husband has moved down me during foreplay and tried to caress my clitoris with his mouth and tongue. I haven’t let him, of course, because I don’t think it’s very nice. But he says lots of people do, and the wives suck their husband’s penis as well. That really strikes me as perverted. I don’t think I could ever do that to him, however much I loved him. What do you think? Is it perverted? Do lots of people do it? What can I do so that I don’t make him unhappy?”
Well, what I think is that for men wanting to make a woman come, oral sex is one of the best ways. I mean, if you are a man who wants to know how to give a woman an orgasm – just learn some oral sex techniques! She should come easily when you know how to pleasure her in this way!
But then there is this email: “I have a problem, and I wonder if you can help me, please. We have been married seven months, During the year we were engaged we made love two or three times a week, but never during that time did my husband, as he now is, play with my clitoris with his tongue, which is what he has started to do recently. I have nothing against him doing it if he wants to and likes it, because I find it very stimulating. But now he wants me to suck his penis, and I just can’t bring myself to do it. You see, as soon as his penis becomes erect he starts to make a lot of lubricating fluid. This fluid does not taste or smell, and though I know that, somehow I have the idea at the back of my mind he may he come in my mouth.”
And then there’s this:
“My husband wants me to use oral-genital kisses while we’re making love. I am quite prepared to do this, but I seem to remember reading somewhere that it can lead to all kinds of diseases. What do you think?”
Every week I get several emails from women along these lines, and a few from men. The men mostly complain that their wives refuse to suck their penises with their mouths and ask how to overcome this problem, while some women find that though they would desperately like to be caressed in this way, they also think it is unethical, or immoral, or perverted.
A man from India emailed:
“I am writing to you in desperation, and I hope you will be able to help me. When we were making love the other night, my wife began to kiss and suck my penis. What made her do it I don’t know. She says she just felt like it. Well, I stopped her almost at once, although I found it extremely stimulating. In my view, it can’t be right, can it?”
Probably few other aspects of sex are more misunderstood in our culture than oral lovemaking. There are very large numbers of couples who just do not know that men and women can use oral sex during loveplay, while others reject it for any number of reasons, chief of which are it is unnatural, unethical, or even, according to religious concepts, sinful.
Romans practised cunnilingus and fellatio as a popular and stimulating loveplay, while Vatsayana describes the techniques in the Kama Sutra, the erotic Indian temple sculptures depict it, and there are erotic paintings, drawings, and sculptures from Bali, Japan, China, and Peru, to mention only a few, which illustrate both cunnilingus (the male’s oral caresses of the female genitals) and fellatio (the female’s oral caresses of the penis) both singly, and in which each partner is stimulating the other simultaneously.
In modern times, it has been an acceptable technique of pleasuring among the French, the Italians, and the Greeks. I was first introduced to it forty years ago by a fellow student at the Paris Sorbonne who, when I expressed surprise that she should do it, she was as surprised at my surprise. “But everyone does it!” she said, which was an exaggeration, but not much of one!
Oral lovemaking, then, is not a new sexual technique which has come into being with the widespread advent of porn! By the way, although women and men both have high sex drives, men tend to have a higher sex drive than women. If you’re a woman, trying to find out how to make a man fall in love with you, then giving him oral pleasure is likely to be high on the list of helpful techniques! Men do see fellatio as an act of love.
It is a technique almost as old as man himself. It is natural and bred into us, and we have suppressed it. And it provides excellent pleasure. On the other hand, Kinsey also noted in his report on male sexuality, that it was, at the time he made his survey, a more widespread activity than one credited. People just did not talk about it but when he asked they admitted it.
What Kinsey actually wrote – in 1952 – was: “In marital relations, oral stimulation of the male or female genitalia occurs in about 60 per cent of the histories of persons who have been to college, although it is in only about 20 per cent of the high-school level and 11 per cent of grade-school level.
Because of the long-standing taboos in our culture on mouth-genital activity, it is quite probable that there has been more cover-up on this point than on most others in the present study.!
What is done by large numbers of people all over the world cannot, then, be unnatural or a deviation, especially as it has been done for many hundreds of years!
If a couple, no matter what their religious beliefs are, can square their consciences to use loveplay techniques which are designed to heighten sexual response, I can see no difference between fondling the penis or clitoris with the mouth and tongue and caressing the nipple with the fingers or mouth, or the clitoris with fingers or penis; or, in intercourse, between using the missionary position and a woman-above or rear-entry positions.